In a world that constantly demands perfection, we often find ourselves chasing an elusive ideal: the perfect house, the perfect car, the perfect life. Society reinforces these standards, subtly dictating that we must achieve certain goals to be deemed successful. However, what if our approach to goal setting is fundamentally flawed? What if, in our pursuit of perfection, we are missing out on the essence of life itself – change and connecting with your true self?
Resistance to Change: A Natural Instinct
Human beings have a natural resistance to change. Neuroscientifically, we are wired to stick to what is familiar and shy away from the unfamiliar. This is because the brain's primary function is to ensure our survival, and familiarity often equates to safety. Change, on the other hand, is perceived as a potential threat, triggering our fight-or-flight response. This resistance to change is a deeply ingrained evolutionary mechanism designed to protect us (Immordino-Yang & Faeth, 2010).
However, change is an inevitable part of life and crucial for growth. Think about going to the gym: the physical discomfort and effort required can be daunting, yet the aftereffects – improved health, strength, and well-being – are worth it. The challenge lies in making the experience of change positive and worthwhile in the meantime, acknowledging that pain does not last forever. This is where the concept of neuroplasticity comes into play. Our brains are capable of forming new neural connections and pathways, allowing us to adapt to new habits and experiences over time.
Spotlighting: Harnessing Neuroplasticity to Change, Build Inner Strength and Achieve Goals
To transform habits and evolve towards our goals – or perhaps more aptly, our "growth milestones" – we need to embrace the discomfort of change. The key is to shift our focus and attention to the positive aspects of the journey. This process, known as "spotlighting," a technique I commonly use with clients in my practice, which involves directing our attention to specific elements that can help us feel more positive and motivated.
Spotlighting is a technique rooted in neuroscience that involves focusing our attention on specific positive aspects of a situation to help us deal with the unfamiliar and uncomfortable. By consciously choosing to spotlight positive outcomes and incremental progress, we can shift our perception and experience of change. Research shows that changing our attention can significantly impact our emotional state and resilience (Volz & Zander, 2014).
For instance, when faced with a challenging task or change, instead of fixating on the discomfort or potential negative outcomes, we can spotlight the benefits and positive aspects. This could involve visualising the long-term benefits, celebrating small victories, or reminding ourselves of past successes in similar situations. This shift in focus not only makes the experience more positive but also helps us build the mental resilience and inner strength needed to navigate change effectively. Regardless of where we choose to shine our spotlight, the binary of positive and negative experiences will continue to exist - it’s up to us what we choose to highlight. The more we practice, the easier it gets. The stronger our “brain muscles” (the establishment and activation of neural circuits) become, making them more easily activated.
A Personal Story of Shifting the Spotlight
When I broke my toe, I had to make a two-day drive to another city to start my life somewhere else, alone – this was the plan. I managed to do so successfully, but life looked very different. As a naturally hyper and fit person, I was barely able to walk (with a cast on my foot), let alone go to the gym or make friends. Furthermore, I couldn’t be present in the office much due to stairs. I felt isolated and couldn’t even exercise to keep myself busy. However, I decided to shift the spotlight. I focused on new resources and materials I wouldn't have otherwise explored. I spent time sitting in nature and reading, which I had wanted to do but hadn't in a while. I felt great.
There were days when I woke up feeling mentally exhausted and incapable, but I continued to push through, reminding myself that my toe would not be broken forever and that pain is temporary. Honestly, it became easier. These perspective shifts were something I started looking forward to, and I still apply some of those actions now. I make sure to slow down and read more, and sometimes I pull back from going to the gym, reminding myself that balance is key and I can focus on other areas such as my mental health and internal serenity.
Compassion and Non-Judgement
Dr. Martha Beck, in her work on finding one’s true nature, emphasises the importance of compassion and non-judgement. She argues that accepting our imperfections and embracing our vulnerabilities are key to living authentically. By being compassionate towards ourselves and others, we can cultivate a sense of inner peace and resilience. Non-judgement allows us to let go of unrealistic expectations and embrace the present moment (Beck, 2013).
Connecting to Your Inner Self
Richard Schwartz’s Inner Family Systems (IFS) model provides a framework for understanding the true self, which Dr. Martha Beck references in her books (2013, 2022). According to Schwartz, our mind is composed of various parts, each with its own perspective and feelings. The true self is the core of our being, characterised by qualities such as compassion, curiosity, and confidence. Here are some tips to connect with your inner self and why each is important:
Mindfulness and Meditation: Regular mindfulness and meditation practices can help quiet the mind and allow you to connect with your inner self. These practices encourage a state of awareness and presence, enabling you to listen to your inner voice. - Importance: These practices reduce stress, improve focus, and increase self-awareness. By quieting the mind, they help us tune into our true self, fostering inner peace and clarity, and allowing our inner voice to emerge and guide us.
Journalling: I can't rave on about it enough! - Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help you process emotions and gain insights into your true self. Journalling allows you to reflect on your experiences and understand your inner desires and motivations. - Importance: Journalling clarifies our thoughts and helps us understand our inner desires and motivations. It offers a safe space to explore and express feelings, fostering personal growth and self-awareness.
Self-Compassion: Practicing self-compassion involves being kind to yourself, especially during times of struggle. It helps you accept your imperfections and embrace your vulnerabilities, fostering a deeper connection with your true self (Beck, 2013). - Importance: Self-compassion promotes emotional well-being and resilience. By treating ourselves kindly, we accept our imperfections and embrace vulnerabilities, reducing self-criticism and fostering a healthier self-image.
Our obsession with perfection and rigid goal setting may be leading us astray. Embracing change and focusing on our true selves can provide a more fulfilling path to personal growth. As we navigate the complexities of life, let us remember how valuable authenticity, compassion and non-judgement are. By embracing change, building inner strength, and understanding neuroplasticity, we can achieve our goals and lead a more authentic life.
If you need support or want to book a free phone consultation, leave a comment or reach out to us directly at gabrielle@onpointpsychotherapy.com. I'm also contactable via phone and WhatsApp at +61 466 160 115, and on Instagram @gabrielle_onpoint. I would be thrilled to connect with you!
References
Beck, M. (2013). Finding your way in a wild new world: Reclaim your true nature to create the life you want. Atria Books.
Beck, M. (2022). The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self (Oprah's Book Club). Penguin.
Immordino-Yang, M. H., & Faeth, M. (2010). The role of emotion and skilled intuition in learning. In Mind, brain and education: Neuroscience implications for the classroom (pp. 69-83). Harvard Education Press. https://doi.org/10.1163/9789047424460_004
Schwartz, R. C. (1995). Internal Family Systems Therapy. Guilford Press.
Volz, K. G., & Von Cramon, D. Y. (2006). What neuroscience can tell about intuitive processes in the context of perceptual discovery. Journal of Cognitive Neuroscience, 18 (12), (pp. 2077-2087). https://doi.org/10.1162/jocn.2006.18.12.2077
Volz, K. G., & Zander, T. (2014). Primed for intuition?. In Neuroscience of Decision Making (pp. 1-18). Springer. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-1-4614-7448-0_1
Gabrielle-Beth Volovsky
Psychotherapy and Counselling Professional
Certified PACFA Counsellor
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